I’m going to tell you something that most pregnancy books, websites, and Instagram accounts won’t tell you. While it might seem like you can prepare for parenthood, you can’t. Sure there are things you can do to prepare for your new babe (more on that below), but mostly, pregnancy is about preparing to NOT be prepared. And being okay with that.
Let’s be honest. We are primed to start thinking about parenting, what to do, how to do it, and what to buy during pregnancy. You might be buying all the things – picking out clothes (like cute socks that will never stay on), Mommy & Me bathing suits (for next summer), feeding utensils (for 6+ months down the road), and of course organizing the physical space. This all has to do with the urge to nest! Nesting is actually an instinct, allowing you to feel like you’re preparing (what you can) before the birth. You’ve got this urge to do something to prepare for this momentous change in your life. And, by the way, you’re not the only one nesting! Your partner or co-parent (even if they aren’t carrying the baby) will often show signs of nesting, too.
But here’s the truth. What you need to prepare for most is the flexibility required to handle the unexpected. You’ve been working this muscle your whole life (we hope) and you’re going to need it in this new phase. Sure, you can plan the nursery, purchase your registry essentials, get your dog ready for a new sibling, but at the end of the day, what matters most is your ability to accept the fact that you can’t (and don’t have to) prepare perfectly. Instead, you have to learn to ride the ride. That’s to say, you can’t anticipate every part of your parenting journey. So let’s reframe what this preparation looks like. Instead of trying to prepare for all of the things, what if you prepared to be unprepared? And not only this, but what if you gave yourself grace to not get it perfect? And to forgive yourself when (notice how I didn’t say if) you make mistakes?
Things may not go according to plan when it comes to delivery, but you will be okay. It can feel comforting to create a plan for the delivery. I get it. It gives you some feeling of control and allows you to organize important communication for your care team. But what’s most important is that you approach your plan with flexibility and forgiveness. Talking to your co-parent or partner about what you need from them on the day of delivery can be really helpful, especially in broad strokes. How you want to be treated, how you want to be involved, even what they should do if that isn’t possible. Start to have conversations about how things could go differently, how you’ll cope and what the next steps may be. For example, discuss what you would want if your baby ends up in the NICU. Should your partner stay by your side, or go with your infant? If you do have an emergency or need a change in the birth plan, do you feel like your partner can help make decisions? Have you empowered them to do so (and told them you have confidence that they can)?
You may not fall in love with your baby on minute one. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to love every part of parenting, but that isn’t true. This is a HUGE adjustment, and we all feel and figure things out differently. If you feel an instant connection, great. But if you don’t, know that it’s completely normal (and supported in the research) to grow your capacity to love, and to figure out your role as a parent, over time. Remember – the pressure isn’t all on you either. Research shows that there are changes in the brains of ALL adults around a newborn, including partners, non biological parents and grandparents that allow for increased empathy and caregiving. The more people that love our child, the better.
How we know you’ve got this: Whoever you are, we know you have had to navigate challenging situations. Just like you did before, have confidence that you will be able to navigate this new future with your baby using a lot of the same skills. Have faith in your abilities, and remind yourself of some of the mantras that you may have used in the past. I say this knowing how hard it is. You don’t know exactly what you’re going to need or what it will look like, but with time and practice, you will find your own way.
All this to say, lean into the uncertainty. This is one of the beauties (and great challenges) of parenting. When we can learn to ride the waves, instead of fight against them, it allows us to grow confidence and security in our role. “This too shall pass.” “Everything is a phase.” “You’ve got this, whatever comes.” These are the cliches that ring true to parents. The feeling of uncertainty won’t go away, you’ll feel a version of this through parenthood, so remember to keep repeating to yourself that you. are. capable. And when you forget to say this to yourself (mom brain is REAL), forgive yourself. Parenting is a marathon, and not a sprint. Give yourself the patience and grace you need to be the parent you want to be.